The Cajun King
by Peachy Lime Daiquiri
Summary: Tagficcie with EE's Skysong! Parody of The Lion King! Finally reposted sanslyrics! Rated just in case! Flamers welcome! Man, I'm using a lot of exclamation points!
1. The Circle of Insanity

Disclaimer: "This Drakel is an Infernomage. All shall burn at his feet! Which is scary! Have you seen Drakel feet?"

Yesh, this is finally being reposted! The lyrics have been replaced with links to my LJ that I created solely for this purpose.

(An: Ok, yep, here it is, first chappy of "The Cajun King." This is going to be very weird because: A) This is humor section and thus designed to be so, B) it's a parody, so to make it an actual fic there will be jokes packed into every inch of space (economy sized for your pleasure!), and C) because it's a tagfic between moi (EE's Skysong, for those with short attention spans) and Dis Chick Digs Da Fuzzy Dude (for you unobservant few). The reasoning behind all of this? This was my idea, because DCDDFD pretty much stole my idea for this whole thing, and we both -really- wanted to do it. So, yeah... bear with me here. Fuzzy: Allo, Fuzzy here! No, I did not steal the idea from her! GREAT MINDS THINK ALIKE! Besides, simba317 gave me the idea for it. Hey, I just realized that Skysong never gave me a chappie title. Oh well. I'll come up with one myself.)

Cast!

Mufasa: Logan

Sarabi: Ororo

Simba: Remy (DUH)

Nala: Rogue (I repeat, DUH)

Timon: Pyro

Pumbaa: Piotr

Scar: Mufasa

Zazu: Scott

Shenzi (the chick hyena): Tabitha

Banzai (the non-psycho male hyena): Evan (Hey, Fuzzy, why is this ironic? I must've missed it... -hates not knowing; stupid Cartoon Network- Fuzzy: It's ironic because Banzai's the one who lands in the thorns. You know, spikes…Evan shoots spikes…yeah.)

Ed (the psycho male hyena): Bobby

Rafiki: Forge

Director: Kurt

ALL THAT BUSY STUFF THAT GOES BEFORE THE ACTUAL PARODY...

"I HAVE ABSOLUTE POWER!" Kurt cries, dancing around.

Author: I thought of another reason this might be a little weird: Fuzzy does her parodies in past tense. I do mine in present. Hopefully no one gets confuzzled... and if you do, we don't really care.

"Power corrupts," Piotr quotes, "absolute power corrupts absolutely."

"Actually, it's kind of neat!"

"Why is he the director?" Forge demands. "I miss my absolute power!"

Author: Well, Storm is Simba's mom and Remy is Simba and then you're the creepy baboon so we had to have somebody be the director and since DCDDFD's name has "Fuzzy Dude" in it it was a natural conclusion that you should be director. -gasps for air-

"Ooh! Get out the transmogrifier thingy!" Kurt cries, looking through his clipboard/listy thing. "Since the cast is animals and all."

Forge frowns and brings out a big purple thingy (1). "Does this mean-" audible gulp "-that I have to use it on myself?"

"YEP!"

"Oh joy." Forge sighs.

The entire cast lines up in front of him- "HOLD UP!" Rogue screeches.

"Yes, dear sister?" Kurt asks, basking in his director chair.

"Ok A- do Ah really have ta work with THAT?" She points at Remy, who looks up and then around, confused.

"YEP!"

Rogue mutters something very very rude and generally unrepeatable. "Ok, 2- the whole touching thing. What's up with it? How am Ah supposed to make out with someone? Unless yah've got an APLBPN..." (2)

"Your powers just go away when you become animals," Forge points out. "It's handy."

"How the hell do cats make out, anyway?"

Kurt flips through his script. "Lots of head nuzzling and rubbing up against each other."

Remy smirks.

"Don't get any ideas, swamp rat," Rogue says, flicking Remy in the back of the head. "You can't exactly cop a feel on a lioness. And Ah can bite now."

Forge clears his throat and everyone immediately turns their attention back to him. "Right. Let's get this over with..."

FIVE MINUTES LATER...

All of the cast has been animal-ized, except Forge, who is pointing the device at himself. "Here we go..."

SQIZERK!

Forge!Baboon is now standing there, eyeing himself dubiously. "Damn. I still have the prosthetic arm."

Ororo (obviously a lioness) falls over laughing. "Oh my Goddess!" she squeals... I didn't even know Ororo could squeal. Huh.

"What?" Forge asks, not looking like he really wants to hear the answer.

"Your- your ass!" Ororo gasps, almost laughing too hard to speak. "It's blue!"

"It is?" Forge asks, peering over his shoulder. "Wait... you've been staring at my ass?" (3)

"We need to de-age them, too," Kurt points out.

Remy and Rogue (smartly) try to run away. Kurt steps on their tails. "Not so funny now, is it?" he demands of Rogue. "Stupid tail-pulling half-sister..."

"Mah GOD you're touchy," Rogue mutters.

"I like m' age right now, _merci,_" Remy protests. "I'd very much like t' stay twenty-one."

"Yah're twenty-one?" Rogue demands. "And ya never bought me beer?"

"Considering that whenever I get near y', y' try t' kill me..."

"But still!"

"Can we get back on track here?" Kurt asks.

"NO!"

Forge ignores them and brings out the de-ager.

FIVE MINUTES LATER...

Rogue is now a little lioness cub and looking very disillusioned and grumpy.

Remy is now a baby cub... say it with me: AWWW... "Shut up." A baby cub with a smart mouth. Somebody smack 'im. "_D'accord,_ so wait-" he says, looking like he just realized something... that is an odd expression on a baby... "Ororo's my mom- which is bad enough, by de way- but dat makes LOGAN m' dad?"

"Well, yeah!" Kurt agrees.

"Won't that be a little... I dunno... awkward?" Ororo asks, eyeing Logan, who is in his happy place.

"Why?"

"Put into consideration de fact dat Logan threatens t' gut _moi_ on a daily basis," Remy points out.

"Oh... maybe that **will** be a little awkward... threatening bodily harm doesn't exactly make for father/son bonding time, does it," Kurt mumbles. "I wouldn't know, since my mommy abandoned me."

"Oh, yeah, bring THAT up!" Mystique shrieks (note that she didn't have to be transformed 'cause she could change herself. Handy that). "I drop my son off a bridge ONE TIME-!" She roars angrily. Yeah.

Kurt begins to cry. "MY MOMMY DIDN'T LOVE ME!"

"Oh, dear Lord," Ororo moans, resting her head on her paws. "This is going to take a while."

"I'M SUCH A BAD MOTHER!" Mystique wails, watching her sobbing son and bursting into tears herself.

"What do we do now?" Forge asks.

"Hit them on the head with bricks?" Rogue suggests.

"That works," everyone else choruses.

TWO AND A HALF HOURS LATER...

Mystique and Kurt **finally** wake up from their braining-induced naps. "What happened?" Kurt mumbles. "It feels like somebody hit me on the head with a brick... except they can't do that 'cause I've got absolute power..."

"Can we start now?" Mystique begs. "I want to go home and lie down and nurse the bleeding wound on my forehead."

Author: Good idea.

"CUE SONG MUSIC!" Kurt shrieks, Frau Farbissina-esque. (4)

AND NOW, AFTER LOTS OF STALLING AND PEOPLE GETTING SEVERE HEAD TRAUMA FROM BRICKS, EE'S SKYSONG AND DIS CHICK DIGS DA FUZZY DUDE NOT-SO-PROUDLY PRESENT... THE CAJUN KING!

**HEY YOU! YES YOU! LOOK HERE!**

**Okay, so originally this is where the song "The Circle of Life" was, but the whole lyrics thing blah blah blah, happened, so instead go to http / www. livejournal. com/ users/ (underscore)(underscore)b(underscore)a(underscore)m(underscore)f(underscore)(underscore), but take out the spaces. And add all those underscores.I highly suggest you go there and read that, since there's Random Insanity Humor in there, dontcha know?**

**DONE READING THE LYRICS? GOOD! NEXT SCENE!**

A Cute Little Mousy (who looks oddly like Sabretooth-) "THAT'S BECAUSE I AM SABRETOOTH!" he screeches. "Dumbass."

"Ooh, I get to eat you?" Mystique coos, edging down to his level. "I didn't know I was going to have fun in this..." (6)

Sabes!Mousy sniffs around for a second, before getting squashed by Mystique's paw. Now only his tail is sticking out. Mystique holds him up as he squeaks furiously. "Life's not fair, is it?" Mystique inquires of him, obviously enjoying it. "You see, I, well, I shall never be king- queen!" She flips him across her paw and almost lets him go, then holds him up to her mouth. "And you shall never see the light of another day. _Adieu_." Mystique is just about to eat him when an annoying, obviously-spoken-by-someone-with-a-pole-up-his-ass interrupts.

"Didn't your mother ever tell you not to play with your food?" Scott asks.

"What do you want?" Mystique asks, looking bored and irritated- duh, it's SCOTT- and holding onto Sabretooth, who is trying to escape.

"SHE'S GONNA EAT ME!" (7)

Scott ignores Sabes- who wouldn't?- and bows as he speaks. "I'm here to announce that King Logan's on his way, so you'd better have a good excuse for missing the ceremony today." He looks all annoyed and tight-assed and such. "WHAT IS UP WITH ALL THE TIGHT ASS JOKES?"

Everyone Else: ...DUH!

"I do NOT have a pole up my ass!" Scott bends over and shows everyone something nobody wants to see... ever... "SEE!"

"EW!" screams the entire cast, covering their eyes.

"Oh, my EYES!" Kurt cries, falling off his chair.

Scott settles back down, looking very pleased with himself.

Author: Even fictionally... that's a bad image. Yuck.

Mystique does not look at all worried. She shifts her paw and Sabretooth runs off, screaming at the top of his miniscule lungs. "Oh, look, Scooter, now you've made me lose my lunch."

Scott glares at her. "You'll lose a lot more than that when the king gets through with you. He's as mad as a hippo with a hernia."

"Ooh, I quiver with fear..." Mystique snarls, looking delighted and advancing on Scott.

"Now, Mystique," Scott says, backing up and waving his wings nervously, "HEEELP!"

"I refuse to eat him!" Mystique cries. "I simply refuse!"

"MY MOMMY DOESN'T LOVE ME!"

"Oh, great..." Mystique sighs and clamps her jaws around Scott who flaps around in there.

Logan pokes his head over the rock next to Mystique's cave. "Mystique..."

"Mmmhmmhmm?" Mystique queries, mouth full of tightassery.

"Drop him."

Scott sticks his big orange banahna (8) beak out of Mystique's mouth. "Impeccable timing, your majesty."

Mystique scowls and drops the very slobbery Scott. He eyes himself while Mystique shrieks, "MOUTHWASH!"

Logan enters Mystique's cave and they begin to circle each other. Obviously they do not get along.

"Whhhy if it isn't my big brother descending from on high to mingle with the commoners."

"Ororo and I didn't see you at the presentation of Gumbo," Logan says, looking distinctly P.O.'ed.

"That was today?" Mystique asks, all innocent as she walks over to a wall. "Oh, I feel simply **awful**." She drags her claws down the wall making- and I quote from the captioning- an irritating scraping sound.

Scott gets his only truly funny bit in the whole movie as he winces dramatically.

Mystique eyes her claws, looking self-important. "It must've slipped my mind."

Scott flaps up to Mystique's eye level, back to looking tightassed. "Slippery as your mind is, as the King's sister- brother? you should've been first in line!" In response, Mystique clacks her jaws at him and he flies back down, hiding between Logan's legs and shooting Mystique death glares.

Author: If you're wondering why I'm keeping the Scott bashing to a minimum, I happen to like Zazu and his big banahna beak. Otherwise Scott would be in SO much pain right now.

"I WAS first in line until that little hair ball was born," Mystique mutters, sticking her head down by Scott.

"That 'hair ball'," Logan snarls, "is my son and YOUR future king!"

Mystique sticks her paw in front of her face, all daintily and crap. "Oh, I shall practice my curtsy." She turns around to leave.

"Don't turn your back on ME, Mystique," Logan growls.

"What? Don't you WANT to stare at my ass?" Mystique asks, flicking her tail.

Author: Can you PLEASE refrain from flirting?

"Yeah, seriously, it's creeping me out," Kurt says in the background.

"Perhaps YOU shouldn't turn your back on me," Mystique replies.

Logan roars and springs in front of her. "Is that a challenge?"

"Temper, temper. I wouldn't dream of challenging you."

Scott, reassuming his safe position between Logan's legs, says, "Pity, why not?"

"As far as brains go," Mystique purrs, "I got the lion's share. But when it comes to brute strength... I'm afraid I'm at the shallow end of the gene pool." She turns and walks away down the side of the rock.

Scott sighs. "There's one in every family, sire. TWO in mine, actually-"

Author: Yeah. You and Alex!

Scott pointedly ignores that comment and flaps up to Logan's shoulder. "HE'S TOUCHING ME..." Logan snarls.

"Ignore him, you're ACTING," Ororo yells from offstage.

"And they always manage to ruin special occasions."

"What am I going to do with him?" Logan asks, twitching slightly.

"He'd make a very handsome throw rug."

"SCOTT..."

"And just think- whenever he gets dirty, you could take him out and beat him."

Logan laughs- it's very creepy- as he walks off.

We switch to a tree. Neat. Rain clouds move in over the plains and we see some neat, but rather pointless, shots of rain and puddles and stuff as we zoom in on THE tree, Forge's big baobab. At least, I think that's what it is.

In it, safe from all the rain, Forge and his blue butt are busily working. There's a drawing of a lion cub which he rubs with some sand. They are really fixated on that. "Hmm..." he murmurs, chuckling. "Remy." He draws a streak of melon juice across the forehead.

"THAT'S A WRAP!" Kurt yells.

Everyone yells back, "DO WE HAVE TO STAY LIKE THIS?"

"If I'm fuzzy, you're fuzzy!"

"DAMN!"

(Why is it that whenever I add a bit to the beginning the chapter always ends up longer than I intended? REVIEW! Because our egos need stroking.)

(1) According to me, this is how all of Forge's devices look.

(2) Abitrarily Placed Little Black Power Negater. X-band joke that's leaked over into everything. Oh, yeah, and Fuzzy, before you say anything... I'm working on it... really... I just have these little things called "Standards" and if my chapter isn't just that long I'm not done with it... damn things. (Fuzzy: As you can see, Skysong emailed me this quite a while ago…I just didn't know I was supposed to put it up. Hehe.)

(3) Even though this is LoRo, couldn't resist some Storge.

(4) Couldn't resist.

(5) Fuzzy doesn't know what gondilieri are; I don't know what Zazu is... wait... is he a hornbill? I'm confused now. (Fuzzy: Yes, he is a hornbill)

(6) Mystique and Sabes had a relationship in the 'mics. To make a long story short, it Did Not End Well At All.

(7) Anyone who knows where this line is from gets a cookie. Here's a hint- you don't have to look far 'tall. -winks-

(8) Come on. You can't not pronounce this with a British accent. You just can't. Banahna. (Fuzzy: Actually, I've pronounced it non-Britishly all my life. Except the one time in World History class when we were learning about Elizabethan times, and me and my friends talked in British accents the entire class. One of my friends was terrible at it. It sounded like a cross between Irish, German, and French instead. AND she insisted on being Queen Elizabeth I for our skit.)

Okee, click on to the next chappie!


	2. Oh, I Just Can't Wait to be Human Again

Hello, everybody! This is Dis Chick Digs Da Fuzzy Dude! Yesh, I will be attempting to write in present tense, and write Remy in first person. But that's not so hard.

DISCLAIMER: "Well, isn't that 'convenient' for you. And the clock!"

Remy comes running out onto Pride Rock, staring out at the just barely-rising sun. He grins, and runs back inside. "Dad! Dad! Dis sounds so wrong."

"Ah, suck it up," Kurt says lazily, spinning Forge's blue lethal-looking…thing (aka BLLT) on one finger. (1)

Remy continues running over to Logan, climbing over Amara, Rahne, Rabby, Jubes, Jean…just about the entire female mutant population, actually, save Rogue and Ororo.

Logan and Ororo are lying down in the middle, both dead asleep. Logan is actually snoring. Remy stops short. "Do I really have t' do dis?"

Kurt waves Forge's BLLT threateningly. Remy gulps and timidly approaches Logan. "Dad? Da-ad," he says whiningly.

"Your son's awake," Ororo notes sleepily.

"That doesn't sound right," Logan says.

"Your problem, not mine," Ororo says.

"Dad! Come on, Dad," Remy says. He jumps up and tugs on Logan's ear. Logan doesn't budge a bit, and Remy ends up slipping and tumbling backwards. "Ow!" He runs back over to Logan and headbutts him. However, considering Logan's skull is twice as big as his and made of adamantium, it hurts Remy a lot more than it hurts Logan.

Logan finally cracks an eye open to see Remy glaring at him. "Y' promised!" he says.

"Gimme a beer and I'll be up," Logan says.

"Lions don't drink beer," Kurt says.

Logan glares at him, but gets up and follows Remy out to the edge of Pride Rock.

And the sun came up! WOW!

"Look, Gumbo," Logan says. "Everything the light touches is our kingdom."

"Wow," Remy says.

"A king's time as ruler rises and falls like the sun," Logan continues. "One day (actually, more like in 20 minutes), Gumbo, the sun will set on my time here and will rise with you as the new king."

"And dis'll all be _mon_?" Remy asks.

"Everything," Logan says.

"Everyt'in' de light touches," Remy repeats. "But what 'bout dat shadowy place over dere?"

"That's beyond our borders," Logan says. "You must never go there, Gumbo."

"But I t'ought a king can do whatever he wants," Remy says confusedly. Aww, he looks so CUTE when he's confused.

Logan rolls his eyes. "There's more to being king than getting your way all the time," he says.

"Dere's more?" Remy asks eagerly.

"Gumbo," Logan says as they start off walking around on the grass, "Everything you see exists together in a delicate balance. As king, you need to understand that balance and respect all the creatures, from the crawling Apocaroach (2) to the leaping antelope."

"But Dad," Remy says, "Don' we eat de antelope?"

"Yes, Gumbo, but let me explain," Logan says irritably. "When we die, our bodies become the grass, and the antelope eat the grass. And so we are all connected in the great circle of life. Except meerkats. They don't eat grass, they eat bugs." (3)

Scott came flying in. "Good morning, sire!" he says cheerfully.

"Someone's in a good mood," Logan notes.

"Eit'er A) y' finally got dat pole out o' y'r ass, or B) y' and Jean got it on last night," Remy says.

"FOR THE LAST TIME, I DO **NOT** HAVE A POLE UP MY ASS!"

"Ah," Remy says. Then, "DE IMAGES! GET IT OUT GET IT OUT GET IT OUT!" Remy rolls around on the ground for a full minute before the Prof accidentally picks up the images during his Random Mind Scan of the Day and kindly erases them for him. "_Merci beaucoup!_"

"Checking in with the morning report," Scott says.

"Wait one sec," Logan says, and sticks earplugs into his ears. "Okay, go ahead."

"What about _moi_?" Remy whimpers.

Too late.

**HEY YOU! YEAH YOU!**

**Normally, this is where the song "The Morning Report" would go, but (well, you know the drill), so go to http/ www. livejournal. com/ users/ (underscore)(underscore)b(underscore)a(underscore)m(underscore)f(underscore)(underscore), only take out the spaces and add ALL those underscores.**

**DONE READING THE LYRICS? _¡BUENO!_**

Evan pops up underneath Scott. "Get off me, man!" he snaps.

"What?" Scott demands.

"News from the underground," Evan says.

Logan's about to give Remy another stalking lesson. "Now, this time-" he begins.

"Sire!" Scott interrupts, clambering back onto his rock. "Hyenas in the pride lands!"

Logan immediately starts running off. "Scott, take Gumbo home," he says.

"Aw, can' I come?" Remy asks.

"I don't think so." And he ran off.

"I never get t' go anywhere," Remy grumbles.

"Oh, one day you'll be king," Scott assures him. "Then you can chase those slobbering, ugly nincompoops from dawn until dusk."

Trust Scott to use the word nincompoops. Honestly, who else uses that word?

"I do NOT slobber!" Bobby yells. "Ooh, do I smell fried chicken?" He promptly starts drooling.

BACK AT PRIDE ROCK…

Mystique paces very moodily while Remy runs up to her. "Hey, Aunt Mystique! …Dat sounds wrong."

"Still not caring!" Kurt says cheerfully.

"Guess what?" Remy says to Mystique

Mystique turns around. "I despise guessing games," she says.

"'m gonna be king o' Pride Rock," Remy says smugly.

"Oh, goody," Mystique says sarcastically.

"M' _père_ just showed _moi_ de whole kin'dom," Remy continues, "And 'm gonna rule it all!"

"Yes, well, forgive me for not leaping for joy," Mystique says. "Bad back, you know."

Remy blinks. "Riiiiiiiiiight. Hey, when 'm king, what'll dat make y'?"

"A monkey's uncle," Mystique says dryly.

"Y're so weird," Remy says.

"You have no idea," Mystique replies. "So, your father showed you the whole kingdom, did he?"

"Everyt'in'," Remy says.

"He didn't show you what's beyond that rise at the northern border?" Mystique asks.

"Well, _non_," Remy admits. "He said I can' go dere."

"And he's absolutely right," Mystique agrees. "It's far too dangerous. Only the bravest lions go there."

"Well, 'm brave," Remy says. "What's out dere?"

"I'm sorry, Remy," Mystique says. "I just can't tell you."

"Why not?" Remy demands.

"Remy, Remy," Mystique chides, "I'm only looking out for the well-being of my favorite nephew."

Remy scoffs. "Yeah, right. 'm y'r only nephew."

"All the more reason to be protective," Mystique says. "An elephant graveyard is no place for a young prince. Oops!"

"An elephant **_quoi_**?" Remy asks. "Whoa!"

"Oh dear, I've said too much," Mystique says dramatically. "Well, I suppose you'd have found out sooner or later, you being so clever and all. Just do me one favor: promise me you'll never visit that dreadful place."

"No problem," Remy says.

"There's a good boy," Mystique says. "You run along now and have fun. And remember, it's our little secret."

Remy nods and runs off. Mystique walks off with an evil grin.

DOWN…SOME OTHER PART OF PRIDE ROCK…

Remy runs down a path to where Jubes is giving Rogue a bath.

"Ugh, that is **disgusting**," Kurt says. "I can't believe Sabey does that!"

"_Bonjour_, chere," Remy says to Rogue.

"Hey, Swamp Rat," Rogue says.

"Come on!" Remy says. "I just heard 'bout dis great place."

"Swamp Rat!" Rogue hisses. "Ah'm kinda in tha middle of a bath."

Jubes stops washing Rogue and pulls a face. "Actually, you can go anytime you like."

"Shut UP, Jubes," Rogue growls.

Ororo just watches.

Kurt coughs and holds up his BLLT.

"Ugh…and it's time for yours," Ororo says to Remy, scooping him up and washing him.

"Stormy!" Remy complains. "Y'r messin' up m' mane!"

Ororo gives him a look. "…What mane?"

Remy hops down. "Okay, okay, 'm clean. Can we go now?"

"Where are we goin'?" Rogue asks. "It better not be any place dumb."

"No, it's really cool," Remy says.

"So," Ororo butts in, "Where is this really cool place?"

"Uh…around de water hole," Remy says innocently.

"Tha water hole?" Rogue demands. "What's so great about tha water hole?"

"I'll show y' when we get dere," Remy hisses.

"Ohhhh," Rogue says, finally catching on. "Jubes, can Ah go with Remy?"

"What do you think, 'Ro?" Jubes asks Ororo.

"Well…" Ororo says.

"Pleeeeeeeaaaaaaaaase?" Remy and Rogue ask in unison, with matching aw-how-can-you-deny-this-face smiles.

"It's all right with me," Ororo says.

"Yes!" Remy and Rogue exclaim, bounding off.

"…As long as Scott goes with you," Ororo finishes.

"Aw, man!" Rogue says.

"Not Scooter!" Remy complains.

ON THE WAY TO THE WATER HOLE…

"Step lively, now," Scott says as he flies over Remy and Rogue. "The sooner we get to the water hole, the sooner we can leave and have a nice 3-hour Danger Room session."

"So where are we **really** goin'?" Rogue asks Remy.

"An elephant graveyard," Remy says.

"WOW!"

"Shhh! Scooter."

"Raht," Rogue says. "So, how are we gonna ditch tha dodo?"

Scott flies down to the two of them. "Oh, just look at you two," he says. "Little seeds of romance blossoming in the savannah. Your parents will be thrilled, what with your being betrothed and all."

"_Quoi?_" Remy demands.

"Betrothed," Scott says. "Intended. Affianced."

Remy and Rogue are still completely clueless. "Meanin'…?" Rogue asks.

"One day, you two are going to be married!" Scott says happily. "…Normally, I would be totally against this and not trust Gambit in a million years, but there's so many things wrong with this movie. I mean, for one, Simba and Nala and half-siblings."

"That's kind of a duh," Kurt says. "Considering there's only one male in a pride. And besides, the movie's based on _Hamlet_. Only, since it's Disney, it's gotta be happily ever after."

Remy and Rogue aren't listening to Scott and Kurt's little side convo. Rogue, in fact, had fainted.

"Um…help?" Remy asks.

"Like, no problem," Kitty says, walking up to Rogue. She clears her throat. "LikeohmigoshRogueRemyjustranoutofthebathroomnaked!" she screams in Rogue's ear.

That wakes Rogue up. "Kitty, Ah'n gonna kill yah." Kitty just grins and walks off.

"I can' marry Rogue!" Remy says to Scott. "Well, I want t', but Wolvie'd most likely kill _moi_."

"Well, sorry to bust your bubble," Scott says snootily, "But you two turtledoves have no choice. It's a tradition going back generations."

"What's wit' all de 'lliteration?" Remy asks.

Kurt shrugs.

"Well, when 'm king, dat'll be de first t'ing t' go," Remy says.

"What, alliteration?" Scott asks.

"_Non_, arranged marriages," Remy says.

"Not as long as I'm around," Scott says.

"Well, in dat cse, y're fired," Remy says casually.

"Nice try," Scott says. "But only the king can do that."

"Well, he's tha future king," Rogue points out.

"Yeah, so y' have t' do what I tell y'," Remy says.

"Not yet, I don't!" Scott snaps. "And with an attitude like that I'm afraid you're shaping up to be a pretty pathetic king indeed."

"Huh," Remy says. "Not de way I see it."

**HEY YOU! YEAH YOU!**

**Normally, this is where the song "Oh, I Just Can't Wait to be King" would go, but (well, you know the drill), so go to http/ www. livejournal. com/ users/ (underscore)(underscore)b(underscore)a(underscore)m(underscore)f(underscore)(underscore), only take out the spaces and add the underscores.**

**DONE READING THE LYRICS? _¡BUENO!_**

Ostrich!Rahne sways and landed on the Anteater!Morlocks, Giraffe!Amara and Tabby hook necks with a nasty crunching sound, Elephant!Rob lands on Antelope!Evan's horns, and Scott (how the heck did he end up carrying all this), gets crushed under Rhino!Jean's weight.

"Sorry, Jean," Scott says in a muffled voice, "But would you please get off me? Gambit?" he calls. "Rogue! Aw, crap, Logan's going to kill me," he whimpers.

(1) – Pff, Skysong. I happen to like blue. And that thing is actually mine, and I refuse to say its actual purpose.

(2) – The XBand, Part Deuce! Sort Of, Anyway (I think that's the one, I'm too lazy too check)

(3) – The whole thing about the meerkats was from **The Lion Kings 1 ½**.

(4) – Excellent way of relieving stress. Much better than the Crush the Crocodiles game. You have to use your actual fist with those, instead of a cool nerf hammer.

Wow, that song was hard to write. And all the "spelling errors" nearly blinded me. Please review! The next update is all up to Skysong!


	3. Be PreparedFor No Lyrics

Disclaimer: "Icecube lettuce. It's like iceburg lettuce, only smaller!"

_Be Prepared... for No Lyrics_

(An: This took me forever because my VCR is a piece of crap. CRAP I TELLYOU! …Anyway... this chappy's prolly gonna be really long 'cause I LOVE Scar's song. It's the best part of the whole damn movie... and it's gonna get cut from FFN. Suck. I can't think of "I Just Can't Wait to be King" without thinking of Space Toaster's parody. Aragorn being stupid. Funfun. By the by, if you like Scar's song or want to know what "Be Prepared" sounds like, go here: www. albinoblacksheep .com / flash / nader.php. Obviously, remove the spaces.)

(Fuzzy: Oops! Skysong emailed me this weeks ago and I totally forgot about it. Sowwies!)

The scene switches quickly from Scott to Remy and Rogue hopping out from behind a rock- almost TOO quickly. "All right, it worked!" Remy says, getting the attention off him kicking the scene-switch button off screen.

"We lost 'em!" Rogue agrees.

"I am a genius," Remy proclaims, putting a paw on his chest.

There is a second's pause and then everyone bursts out laughing, Rogue the loudest.

"That's just so damn funny!" Rogue says, rolling with laughter.

"Almost better than Forge's blue butt," Ororo agrees, wiping her streaming eyes VEEERY carefully.

Remy, needless to say, Does Not look amused. "Jus' say your stupid line so we can GO!"

Rogue gets up, wheezing. She clears her throat and responds, "Hey, genius, it was MY idea."

"_Et_ it was my idea to take your idea!" (1)

"WRONG LINE!" Forge shrieks.

"Oops." Remy turns back to Rogue. "_Oui_, but **I** pulled it off."

"With me!" Rogue adds.

"Oh yeah?" Remy responds, and then tackles her. They flip over a couple of times, ending up with Rogue on top. Remy waggles (2) his eyebrows... which is interesting, since he's a lion cub. A midgety one at that. "Heh heh, _chere,_ didn't I always say I'd get y' in dis position? 'Cept I usually like t' be on top."

Rogue snarls at him. "Don't press your luck, bayou boy. Ha. Pinned ya."

"Lemme up," Remy mutters, but he raises his eyebrows at the camera and smirks again.

Rogue backhands- er, backpaws him.

"Ow! Cheap shot!"

"Just say the damn line and then you won't have to deal with each other, anyway," Forge points out

Rogue bares her teeth at him, then tackles Remy again. They roll down over a hillside… for a place that's supposedly forbidden, it's quite easy to get to. Yep, they're in the elephant graveyard… creepy. As usual, Rogue wins. "Pinned ya again."

"I'd almost t'ink y' wanted to be in dis position, ma chere," Remy comments.

"You don't wanna live long, do you?" Kurt comments in the background. "Because if you do in fact survive Rogue and she consents to date you, I may just have to kill you."

"My friends eternal faith in me is what gets me through the day," Remy comments. The dry expression on his face is quite interesting on a lion.

"For interesting, read ridiculous," Kurt says, grinning.

Remy and Rogue both glare at him. "I have this undeniable urge to eat him," Remy comments.

"Don't hold back on my account," Kitty comments… on her neat little plane of nonexistence. "I'm not here until the sequel." (3)

Quite a few minutes late- "I'M A BABOON! What do you expect!" Forge yells in the background.

Author: -clears throat-

Like I was saying, a giant geyser of steam erupts right next to them. They pad forward up onto a cliff and see a giant elephant skull… that's disturbing. (4) This whole scene is really not for the target audience… i.e., five-year-olds.

"This is it. We made it!" Remy cries, apparently elated about finding a giant pile of dead bones, geysers, and crap like that.

"They do say idiots are easily amused," says Mystique.

"Is EVERYONE out t' get me?"

Silence.

"Uh, DUH," says Kurt.

Remy mutters something about revenge.

They pause and look over one of the tusks, seeing even more bones, geysers, and mudholes. They look at each other, and go, in that way only amazed little kids can do, "Whoa..."

"It's really creepy," Rogue says, looking delighted.

"Yeah, isn't it great?" Remy agrees, seeming just as delighted.

"We could get in big trouble." This doesn't seem to dampen Rogue's spirits at all.

"I know." Or Remy's, for that matter…

They walk up to the skull, and Rogue comments, cheerfully, of course, "I wonder if its brains are still in there." That's just not nice.

"There's only one way to know. Come on, let's go check it out." Remy starts for the skull but gets stopped by a flying fluff of tight-assery.

"Getting creative, are we?" Kurt asks, and nods his approval.

Somehow, Scott manages to look anally retentive, freaked out, and annoying at the same time. You have to give the freak a little credit. It's pretty impressive. "No! The only checking out you will do is to check out of here."

"Aw, man," says Remy, as though he doesn't want to leave the creepy, bone-infested place.

"We're way beyond the boundaries of the Pride Lands," says Scott, dropping a little of the tight-ass look to look more freaked.

"Look, banana beak is scared!"

"That's MR. Banana Beak to you, fuzzy," says Scott, poking Remy in the nose-

"GAH! IT TOUCHED ME!" Remy cries, backing off as fast as he can and rubbing at his nose. "Somebody! Get some disinfectant! Dial! Dawn! WD40!"

"Oh, would you stop overreacting," Scott snaps.

"I don't think he's overreacting at all," Kurt says, looking squicked at the prospect of getting touched by Scott.

Scott decides to ignore Remy and goes on. "And right now, we are all in very real danger."

Remy looks miffed at having to go on as well without getting some disinfectant, but says his line. "Danger? I walk on the wild side." He walks up to the skull. "I laugh in the face of danger. Ha ha ha ha!"

There is some hyena-type laughter. Remy gets an oh-shit look and jumps behind Rogue.

Tabby, Evan, and Bobby step out of the skull. "Man, I don't believe I have to play the stupid one!" Bobby cries.

Author: Hey, don't look at me, PB casted it. I just think it fits… since you're an idiot!

"I am NOT an idiot!"

Everyone else looks rather bored and says, "Yes, you are."

Bobby mutters something but shuts up.

"Well, well, well, Evan, what have we got here?" Tabby asks, walking towards them. Scott sticks out his wings and Remy and Rogue quickly take a step back to avoid getting touched.

"Oh, I don't know, Tabby," Evan agrees, "what do you think, Bobby?"

Bobby makes some weird, random laughing noise.

"Yeah, just what I was thinking. A trio of trespassers!" The hyenas back the cubs into a wall.

"And quite by accident, let me assure you," says Scott, wearing an oh-shit look of his own. "A simple navigational error."

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," says Tabby, stepping on Scott's tail as he makes to scram, "wait, wait, wait, I know you! You're Mufasa's little stooge."

Scott steps out of her grip and Tabby looks grateful. "I, madam, am the king's majordomo." …whatever, stooge. "I AM NOT A STOOGE, DAMMIT!"

"And that makes you…" says Evan, looking delighted as the hyenas circle the cubs.

"The future king," says Remy. He grins for a moment and then regains that scared-shitless look.

"Do you know what we do to kings who step out of their kingdom?" Tabby asks, all innocently like.

"Puh! You can do anything to me! …puh?"

"Exactly what I was thinking," Kurt says.

Author: I just copy what I see on the captions, ok!

"Uh, technically they can. We ARE on their land…" says Scott, with an oh-shit-we're-gonna-die smile on his face. He does the tappy thing, you know, when you're nervous and you tap your index fingers together? Like that, but with wings.

"But Scott, you told me they're nothing but a bunch of slobbering, mangy, stupid poachers!" Obviously, this child has a wish to die young.

"Ixnay on the upidstay…" (4)

"Who you callin' upidstay? …the HELL?" says Evan.

"It's Pig Latin, you idiot," says Tabby, smacking him upside the head.

"Oh, that's real nice," Evan mutters, glaring at her.

"Oh my my my, look at the sun, it's time to go!" Scott cries in that anally retentive way of his. He sweeps away the cubs… or tries to, anyway. Tabby steps in front of him.

"What's the hurry? We'd LOVE for you to stick around for dinner…"

"Yeah, we could have whatever's… 'lion' around!" Evan cries.

Author: Ugh, puns. It never ends.

"Wait wait wait I got one, I got one. Make mine a CUB sandwich. Whatcha think?" The hyenas laugh hysterically… as usual.

Then Bobby starts to gesture, making weird, laughy/talky noises. Weird.

"What, Bobby, what is it?" Tabby asks, clearly Not Getting It.

"Hey, did we order this dinner to go?" Evan asks, looking the way Bobby's pointing.

"No, why?"

"'Cause there it goes!" Evan yells. We see Rogue, Remy, and Scott running off across the graveyard.

They're just about to get away when one of the hyenas grabs Scott's tail.

"Don't worry, people, it was a fake hand," says Kurt. "Nobody had to get that near Scott's butt."

Rogue and Remy don't notice this, of course (actually, more likely they probably just don't care). They pause in a… clearing… sort of. "Did we lose 'em?" Rogue asks.

"I think so… where's Scott? …are we supposed to care?"

Author: Well...not really, no. It's just in the script.

"So the little majordomo birdy hippity-hopped all the way to the birdy boiler," Evan narrates. He's holding Scott (by the wings, but he's wearing gloves, thankfully) and leading him to a little geyser... oh this is gonna be good.

"Oh no, not the birdy boiler!" Scott cries, as he gets stuffed into it. Five seconds later... WHIZZ! Scott!rocket!

The hyenas laugh hysterically until Remy says, "Hey! Why don't you pick on somebody your own size?"

"Like… you?" Tabby suggests.

This seems to occur to Remy, and he regains the oh-shit look. "Oops."

The hyenas chase them, straight into another exploding geyser. Somehow, they get in front of the cubs, and yell, "Boo!" Real original, that.

There's a big Chase Scene (tm) as the cubs climb up the skull, slide down its ribcage and dash up a hill coated in bones... all the while with snarling hyenas right behind them. And this is a G movie?

"Remy!" Rogue yells, as she slides down the hill. "Aw, damn, Ah HATE playin' the DID."

"DID?" Bobby asks, pausing.

"Damsel In Distress," Kurt translates. "You really ARE an idiot!"

Remy, being the Big Hero Character, runs down after her and jumps in front of her just as Tabby's about to take a nice big bite. He scratches her, leaving nasty-looking marks. Tabby looks REALLY vicious now.

The cubs somehow get up the hill and run through a tunnel and up to a well-preserved skeleton. They jump up on top of some of the elephant's skin (!) and try to jump from there, but being a rotting corpse it gives beneath them and they fall into the ribcage. Smaaaart.

"Here, kitty kitty kitty," says Evan as the hyenas approach. Ooh, nasty.

Remy steps in front of Rogue and roars... really pathetically. Like how my cats would roar. And they're fixed.

"That was it? Do it again, come on," Tabby says as the hyenas walk up.

Remy poises to roar, but a big majestic roar is what comes out... it's not him doing it, obviously.

Now the hyenas get the oh-shit looks. "Huh!" they gasp as Logan comes out of nowhere and pins them. Scott flaps in, seemingly out of nowhere, looking rather singed. The rest of the cast snickers.

"Please, please!" Tabby gasps.

"Ow, ow, uncle, uncle!" Evan whines.

"Silence!" Logan snarls.

"Having fun with the synonyms?" Kurt asks, sitting upside down in his chair.

Author: Why, yes, as a matter of fact I am.

"Oh, we're gonna shut up right now!" Evan agrees. He and Tabby get matching "oh-shit-we're-gonna-die" smiles... luckily, they don't look a thing like Scott.

"Calm down! We're really sorry-" Tabby starts, but Logan cuts her off.

"If you EVER come near my son again-" Logan twitches. "DAMN that rankles."

Author: You die in the next chapter. Come off it.

"Oh, right.

"Oh, this is, this is YOUR son?" says Tabby, all half-assed-like.

"Your son?" Evan seconds.

"Did you know that?"

"Oh, me? No, I didn't know that, I don't know nothing! Did you?"

"No, of course not!"

"Bobby?" they ask in unison.

Bobby, of course, nods, since he's an idiot.

Logan lets them up to roar again.

"Toodles!" Evan says, with a little wave, and they run off, yelping and yapping like the stupid animals they are. "WE'RE ACTING, you know!"

"It still fits," Kurt replies.

Scott flaps out of the ribcage and next to Logan, and nods in a kiss-ass way. Logan glares at him and he kind of shrinks. Too bad he won't disappear altogether.

The cubs bounce out of the ribcage. "Dad, I-" Remy starts. "OOH dat's weird t' say!"

"How d'ya think I feel, Gumbo?"

"For de last freakin' time, IT GAMBIT!" (5)

"You deliberately disobeyed me," Logan says, all steely-like.

Author: GOTTA stop using that phrase.

"Dad, I-I'm sorry," Remy says, and to his credit he looks penitent.

"Let's go home."

"Ah thought you were very brave…" Rogue says, and then cracks up again. Remy gives the camera a "why-moi" look.

Of course, we see Mystique standing on a rock ridge, watching them, just as the Dramatic Music (tm) swells. She does NOT look happy... does she ever?

"You know," Pietro pipes up, "that's actually a pretty good question."

"Are you even IN this?" Kurt demands.

"Eh, probably not, but who knows?"

Through the magic of scene-switch buttons, we switch to the Pride Lands, some random grassy field. Logan looks pissed and the cubs and Scott slink along in his wake.

"Scott?" Logan says. "The name... it BURNS!"

"Oh would you stop overreacting!" Scott cries, then gasps. "I adlibbed! Y-yes, sire?" he stammers, flapping up in front of Logan.

"Take Rogue home. I have to teach my son a lesson," says Logan, putting a nasty emphasis on "son."

We see Rogue and Remy watching them. Remy, looking kind of like a baby monkey, ducks down below the grass... in shame. Aw, how sad.

"Come, Rogue," Scott says, ignoring the disgusted look Rogue is giving him. He puts his wings on Remy's shoulders... yeah. "Remy- good luck." Remy twitches. He flaps off, Rogue giving Remy a not-scripted "ooh-you're-gonna-get-it" look.

"That was SUPPOSED to be a 'sorry' look!" Kurt yells from offstage.

"Since when do you care?" Rogue demands.

"...Good point."

"Remy!" Logan yells. Remy winces.

"Well, oui, he practically screamed it, and I've got sharper senses now," Remy replies.

Remy walks up to Logan, slowly. He happens to step in one of Logan's gigantic pawprints, and the guilt factor goes from nine to twelve. Moody clarinets start up. Remy glances up at Logan, who closes his eyes.

"It's not like I wanna look at him," Logan responds, before saying his line. "Remy, I'm very disappointed in you."

"I know…" Remy says, looking at the dirt.

"You could have been killed. You deliberately disobeyed me... this guy likes this phrase. And what's worse, you put Rogue in danger!"

"I was just trying to be brave, like you." Remy can't quite manage the choked-up voice... do we really want him to?

"I'm only brave when I have to be. Remy, being brave doesn't mean you go looking for trouble."

"Now is this the life lesson, or the cliché attack?" Kurt asks.

Author: Both, probably.

"But you're not scared of anything!"

"I was today... no I wasn't."

"We all get you're the big, stupid, fearless dude," Jubilee says in the background, filing her nails. "You don't need to elaborate!"

Logan bares his teeth and Jubilee shoots some fireworks at him. "Yow! Fur! On fire! FIRE!" Logan runs around screaming.

A technical difficulties sign comes up, and Muzak plays. In the background we hear maniacal laughter... that can't be good.

A few minutes later the sign comes down and we see Logan, a little less furry, and Pyro, restrained. He's also a meerkat. Weird. Piotr comes in and starts rolling him away, pausing to mention, "Don't worry, we're not here until the next chapter or so." (6)

Remy stares after them, a WTF look on his face until Kurt clears his throat. Remy says, "Oh, right," and resumes his guilt-trip look. "You were?"

"Yes, I thought I might lose you."

"Actually, if Remy died, we'd be more likely to have a party," Rogue comments.

Remy leans back on his paws and sings, "Nobody loves me, nobody cares. Nobody loves me at all."

"Damn straight."

Kurt clears his throat. Remy grins nervously. "Oh… I guess even kings get scared, huh?"

"Mmmhmm…"

"But y' know what?" Remy whispers.

"What?"

"I think those hyenas were even scareder."

"Bad Cajun grammar strikes again!" Kurt cries.

Author: ...You're German. English isn't even your first language. Why do you care?

"Because English is weird enough!" (7)

"'Cause nobody messes with your dad!" Logan agrees. He looks squicked at the dad again and then grabs Remy, giving him a noogie. "Commere, you!"

Remy looks disgusted and wiggles out of his reach, tackling Logan. "Come here!" Logan runs off and then falls over, Remy biting his ear... yeah. "Gotcha!" Perched on Logan's head, Remy says, "Dad?"

"Hmm?"

"We're pals, right?"

"Right." Remy and Logan pause to give the camera "yeah-right" looks.

"And we'll always be together, right?"

"Considering his healing factor..." Ororo comments from offstage.

"Lions. Don't. Have. POWERS!" Forge yells.

"Calm down, you spaz."

Forge's eye twitches.

Logan ignores them and gets all contemplative. "Remy, let me tell you something my father told me. Look at the stars. The great kings of the past look down on us from those stars."

Author: Remember this, it's a Plot Point.

"Really?"

"Yes. So whenever you feel alone… just remember that those kings will always be there to guide you… and so will I." Remy snorts in a way that A) ruins the scene and B) shows how much he cares about THAT.

We switch from the grassy plain to rocks and geysers... charming. There's also lots of green smoke. Makes you wonder if the same people did TLK and QFC. (8)

We hear Evan's voice. "Man, that lousy Logan! I won't be able to sit for a week!" Then of course Bobby launches off into hysterical laughter. He must enjoy pain. "It's not funny, BOBBY." We see the both of them, and somehow, Bobby starts laughing even harder. "Hey, shut up!" Bobby, of course, keeps laughing, and as Evan dives at him we see a big red scratch mark on Evan's butt... ew.

"Will you knock it off!" Tabby yells, on a higher ledge than them. They seperate, but Bobby, being an idiot, keeps chewing on his own leg until he notices it's not Evan.

"These idiot jokes are wearing thin," Bobby mutters.

"Uh... no," says the rest of the cast.

"He started it!" Evan cries, pointing at Bobby.

"Look at you guys. No wonder we're dangling at the bottom of the food chain." Tabby hops down from her ledge, glaring at the guys.

"Man, I hate dangling," Evan mutters, a big line of drool dangling from his mouth.

"Yeah. You know, if it weren't for those lions, we'd be running the joint!"

"Man, I hate lions."

"So pushy," Tabby agrees, starting to walk around Evan.

"And hairy!"

"And stinky!"

"And man, are they uuugly!" they cry in unison, back to back. The hyenas start off with the laughing again... seriously, I know the sound they make sounds like laughter, but this is taking it a bit far, don'tchathink?

"Oh, surely we lions are not all that bad," comes Mystique's voice. Evan and Tabby get oh-shit looks for a second and then they recognize the voice as we see Mystique, perched on a ledge, surrounded by green geysers... yeah, the same people DEFINITELY did QFC.

"Oh, Mystique, it's just you," says Evan.

"Oh, we were afraid it was somebody important," Tabby agrees.

"Yeah, you know, like Logan."

"I see." Mystique's eye twitches at the mention of Logan.

"Now THAT'S power."

"Yeah, tell me about it," Tabby puts in. "I just hear that name and I shudder."

"Logan," says Evan.

"Ooh!" Tabby shudders. "Do it again."

"Logan! Logan, Logan, Logan!" The hyenas start laughing again.

"Ooh, it tingles me."

"I'm surrounded by idiots," Mystique mutters, massaging her temples.

"Not you, Mystique, I mean you're one of us. I mean, you're our pal!" Evan says.

"Charmed."

"Ooh, I like that. He's not king, but he's still so proper," Tabby comments. "Isn't Mystic a girl?"

Author: Yeah, well, the gender pronouns are tricky, because she's a girl playing a lion who's a guy.

"Good point."

"Oh, hey, hey, did you bring us anything to eat, Mystique? Old buddy, old pal, didja didja didja?" Evan says, with the kind of expression I'd expect my yappy dogs to wear.

"I don't think you really deserve this," says Mystique, holding out part of a zebra leg... EW. The hyenas bounce and beg... again, like my yappy dogs. "I practically gift-wrapped those cubs for you, and you couldn't even dispose of them." He drops the leg and the hyenas dig in. There's a thing called taking a character TOO far.

"Well, you know, it wasn't 'zactly like they was alone, Mystique," Tabby points out, mouth full.

"Yeah, what're we supposed to do, kill Mufasa?" Evan asks, swallowing part of the hide...

Author: I may just throw up now.

"Precisely." Sadly, she says it unlike the griffin from QFC.

"Hey, I thought that was MY line!" Sabretooth yells. He's a mouse and he's still alive, unfortunately. (9)

The hyenas give him WTF looks as Mystique hops from rock to rock and down to their level, to drumbeats. She hops in the middle of them, and they scatter. She walks forward, surrounded by green geysers.

**HEY GROOVY DUDES AND DUDETTES, READ THIS!**

**Before you all start giving Skysong WTF looks, please realize that this is Fuzzy talking…writing…whatever. And that I just ate a KitKat bar from Taiwan. Man, those bars are HUGE!**

**Anyway, so since FanFic will accept lyrics on every single one of my ficcies except this, you guys should know the drill. Go to: http/ www. livejournal. com/ users/ (underscore)(underscore)b(underscore)a(underscore)m(underscore)f(underscore)(underscore)/ (without the spaces and all the underscores added, of course). **

**B****TW, I just now realized that they didn't put ANY of the underscores in the other chappies, either. So I've gone and fixed them now. Sowwies!**

"And that's a wrap! THANK GOD!" Kurt yells.

(Sorry this took me forever... I hope to have it on DVD by the time my turn rolls around again.)

(1) Line from Fairly OddParents.

(2) Now, you see, this would've made more sense if I'd gotten this out on time... but see, I used "waggled", so, yeah.

(3) PB says she wants the sequel to be a Kurtty... which would be great, because Kurtty kicks ass. That one would be all her, because as much as I love it, I don't have it... -sad-

(4) For the non-Pig-Latin-savvy, that would be "Nix the stupid." -clears throat, smirks-

(5) Big Boom joke; everyone calls Remy Gumbo and it annoys him.

(6) I say or so depending on how long PB makes the next chapter... but I SO want dibs on "Hakuna Matata." You can HAVE the love ballad; I've gotta do ENOUGH of those. (Fuzzy: For those of you who are so curious as to why I wanna do the love ballad, check out thesecond chappie of X Mulan 2.)

(7) Anyone else agree with me on that?

(8) The TLAs translate to "The Lion King" and "Quest for Camelot" which are similar in animation/song style. A fact which I frequently comment on in my parody of the latter.

(9) See footnote eight; Sabes plays the griffin in that and he says precisely very weirdly.

(10) Quote from "Be Sure Thy Sins" by the InterNutter.

(11) Remy and Piotr ended up in... ahem... compromising situations quite a lot in my parody of "The Thief and the Cobbler"... it also had lots of non-G-rated imagery.

(Fuzzy: Just in case any of you are thinking that Skysong's off her rocker or something, footnotes 10 and 11 are in the song bit. I stuck them up on the end of my LJ anyway. BTW, Skysong, did you ever put this up on EE?)


	4. They Put This in a KID Movie?

**They Put This in a KID Movie?**

(AN: Hi there! Sowwies it took me forever to get this up, but things have been kinda hectic with all the back-to-school stuff – bleaargh, I start on Friday. So here is the WORST part of the movie, The Stampede. Only I lightened it up whenever I could because I HATE watching this part, for the same reason that I have only watched Bambi once, and will most likely never watch it again.)

DISCLAIMER: "Think about it…you're 18, she's 44. When you're 36, she's gonna be 88!"

The scene cuts to the Gorge.

"You know, in French that means _throat_," Jean-Paul Beaubier aka Northstar (JP) says.

"We know," Bobby says irritably. "We have a French guy right here." He points to Remy, who is sitting on a little rock and looking all cute and innocent…yeah, innocent.

Bobby then does the oh-so-necessary double take. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" he demands, springing away and running to hide behind Jubes.

"The Authoress started it," JP says.

(Um, no I didn't.)

"Not you Authoress," JP says. "The OTHER Authoress writing this thing."

"Spawn of Satan," Bobby shudders.

"And besides, THIS Authoress is going to use him as Josefina when she parodies The New Guy," Jubes says.

Tabby squinted at JP with an eyebrow pencil in one hand and eyebrow wax in the other. "We gotta do something about those Spock eyebrows of yours," she said.

"You're Dizzy," Jubes adds to Bobby.

"Yes I am," Bobby says, stumbling around crosseyed.

"…That's hot," JP says, watching.

"STOP HITTING ON ME!"

"No, you're DIZZY," Jubes says. "As in Dizzy Gil-whatever Harrison."

Bobby looks from Jubes to JP to Jubes to Tabby to JP. "You gotta be KIDDING me!"

"Nope," Tabby says airily.

"Can we get to the parody?" Logan demands. "I'm gonna die this chapter!" Behind him, Remy nods frantically.

"Very well," Kurt says with a long-suffering sigh. "ACTION!"

"Now, you wait here," Mystique says to Remy. "Your father has a marvelous surprise for you."

"Comin' from eit'er _pere_, dat's not a good t'ing," Remy says.

Kurt coughs pointedly.

"I mean, what is it?" Remy asks eagerly.

"If I told you, it wouldn't be a surprise, now would it?" Mystique says.

"If y' tell _moi_, I'll still act surprised," Remy says.

Mystique chuckles. "You are such a naughty boy." She leans in closer. "**Tonight, I'll be your Naughty Girl!**" (1)

Remy scrambles back and topples off the rock. "GAH!"

"That is SICK AND WRONG!" Kurt yells.

Remy clambers back up onto the rock and attempts to plead with Mystique. "Come on, Uncle…Aunt…what do I call her?"

Mystique ignores that. "This is just for you and your daddy. You know, a sort of father-son-in-law…thing."

"IN-LAWS?" Kurt demands.

"He…she…y' _mere_ jus' kiddin'!" Remy says hastily.

"Well, I better go get him," Mystique says.

"I'll go wit' y'!" Remy says eagerly, jumping off the rock.

"No!" Mystique says quickly…too quickly. "Just stay on this rock. You wouldn't want to end up in another mess like you did with the hyenas."

"Y' know about dat?" Remy asks.

"Remy, **everybody** knows about that," Mystique says.

"Really?" Remy asks, his head sinking.

"Oh, yes," Mystique says. "Lucky Daddy was there to save you, eh?" Mystique leans in. "Oh, and just between us, you might want to work on that littler roar of yours, hm?"

"Oh, ok," Remy says. "Hey, Mystique, will I like dis surprise?"

"Remy, it's to **die** for," Mystique assures him as she saunters off.

Dramatic Music plays as the camera pans up the cliffs of the gorge to – gasp! – lots of Wildebeest!Jamies grazing.

Jamie spits out a mouthful of grass. "This tastes like plastic!"

"That's because you're standing on Astroturf," Kurt says.

"…Oh," Jamie says with a nervous chuckle. "I knew that. Excuse me." He runs off to go throw up.

Tabby, Evan, and Bobby sit under a little outcropping of rock. "Shut up!" Tabby hisses to Evan.

"I can't help it!" Evan says. "I'm so hungry. I gotta have a wildebeest!"

"Stay put," Tabby orders.

"Can't I just pick off one of the little sick ones?" Evan pleads.

"HEY!" the dupes yell.

"We wait for the signal from Mystic," Tabby says.

Mystique walks out onto a little cliff and smirks at them.

"There she is," Tabby says. "Let's go." They start heading for the dupes.

QSC (Quick Scene Change – if you've been reading Skysong's ficcies, you should know this by now) to Remy sulking on his little rock. "Little roar," he mutters. "Puhh."

"Puhh?" Kurt repeats.

(I'm just writing what's on the subtitles.)

"But puhh?"

(Fine.) Remy scoffs.

Chameleon!John walks down the rock past him. Remy growls that little kiddie growl at him.

John keeps walking. Remy leaps after him and growls the little kiddie growl again.

John keeps walking, completely unfazed. Remy leaps right behind him and growls one last time.

John swivels his head around. "Totally pathetic," he says Simon-esquely. (2) He walked off.

Remy's little growl roar echoes off the walls of the gorge. Remy grins, until he notices the ground rumbling beneath him. He looks down and sees the little rocks dancing around. He looks up at a cliff wall and sees all the Wildebeest!Jamie!Dupes (WJDs) running down the cliff – and inevitably toward him.

"Yep, definitely a surprise from de Badger," Remy says with a nod. Then, "BOOK!" He runs as fast as he can.

The WJDs – man, there's a TON of them – thunder down the cliff. A QSC to the top shows that they're running away from Tabby, Evan, and Bobby, who are snapping at them.

QSC to Logan and Scott. Logan shrugs Scott off his back. "Get off me."

"Look, the herd is on the move," Scott says, pointing.

"Odd," Logan says.

Mystique scrambles up to them. "Logan, quick!" she gasps. "Stampede in the gorge. Remy's down there!"

"YES!" Logan yells. "I mean…oh no, Gumbo's in trouble," he says, deadpan.

QSC to Remy, still running, as the WJDs start passing him up. He scrambles onto a dead tree sticking out of the ground and hangs on for dear life.

"Aww, he looks so adorable like that," Tabby says.

"'m about t' die and all y' can say is dat I look ADORABLE?" Remy yells.

Scott flies down into the gorge and spots Remy.

"'m not gonna say dat line," Remy says.

"Oh, come on, it's just acting," Kurt says.

Remy growls. "Scooter, help me," he says, even more deadpan than Logan.

"Your father's on the way! Hold on!" Scott says.

"_Non_, dat's not really-" Remy stops as Scott flies off. "-Necessary."

QSC to Logan and Mystique sliding down a wall of the gorge and attempting to look worried. Both, obviously, fail completely.

Scott flies over. "There, on that tree!" he says, pointing to Remy almost falling off the slowly uprooting tree.

Logan jumps down the various rocks until he gets to the bottom of the gorge and jumps into the stampede.

"Oh, Mystique, this is awful!" Scott says, flapping agitatedly around Mystique's head. "What do we do? What do we do? Ha! I'll go back to help, that's what I'll do. I'll go back to-" Mystique smacks him against the rock wall.

"THANK YOU!" Kurt exclaims. "…Never thought I'd say that to my mother."

QSC to Logan running with the stampede, trying to get to Remy. He wheels around and heads for the tree, only to get smacked in the face by a dupe. He tumbles over and looks up in time to see a particularly stupid dupe – "HEY!" – run right into the dead tree, crashing it and sending Remy flying through the air.

Logan jumps up and grabs Remy midair, running toward the gorge wall.

QSC to Mystique, stalking around and looking ominous and all.

QSC back to Logan and Remy. A dupe runs right into Logan, knocking Logan one way and Remy the other. Remy gets up and looks around frantically for a little before Logan picks him up and runs. A dupe trips and lands right where Remy had been.

Logan gets to the wall and places Remy on a ledge before another dupe smacks into him and he gets carried away by the stampede. "_NOOOOOOOOOON_!" Remy yells.

"Okay, now he's starting to freak me out a little," Kurt says.

Remy glances frantically around into the stampede, looking around for Logan. There's several seconds of Oh-My-God-Is-He-Dead-ness before Logan bursts out of sea of dupes and slams into the wall, climbing up it. Remy turns and scrambles further up the ledges to go help him.

"I'm not saying this line," Logan says.

"Oh, come on, it's just acting," Kurt says. "Whoa, déjà vu."

Logan glares the sort of glare that would burn Kurt to a crisp if looks could kill and tries to open his mouth.

A weird strangled noise comes out. Logan scrabbles at the rock while Mystique, standing on the ledge, waits patiently.

Not. After 3.62 seconds of waiting, she leans over and brags Logan by the paws, digging her claws in. "MOTHER-!" Logan yells.

"Relax, you ain't my baby's daddy," Mystique says, and leans closer. "…Yet."

"GAAAAH!" Logan screams, wrenching free and tumbling backwards to land and get trampled by the dupes.

"_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON_!" Remy yells. He climbs down frantically as the last of the stampede passes by. A stray dupe jumps over him and runs by a lump of…something.

Oh, wait, that's Logan.

Remy runs over. "Come on," he says, tugging on Logan's ear.

A little flask falls out of Logan's mane. "Dere it is!" Remy exclaims, grabbing it and hugging it to his chest (which looks pretty funny, considering he's a lion). "M' bourbon!" Noticing everyone's WTF looks, he explains, "It fell out when he grabbed _moi_."

"You thought he was actually screaming over Wolverine?"JP says.

"Why are you here?" Kurt demands.

"I haven't talked in a while."

Mystique walks up to him. "Remy," she says. "What have you done?"

"Dere were WJDs," Remy says, "And he tried t' save _moi_."

"Only because it was in the script and would get me out of the parody!" Logan says quickly.

"Actually, you gotta do that whole ghostly advisor thing later," Kurt says. "Go back to being dead!"

"It was an accident," Remy says.

"Of course it was," Mystique assures him. "But the king is dead. If it weren't for you, he would still be alive." She gasps. "What will your mother think?"

Kurt strolled over to a conveniently placed closet and yanked the door open. Ororo and Forge tumbled out, still in a lip-lock. "Someone say my name?" Ororo asked.

"Y' a lioness…_et_ he's a baboon," Remy says. "Dat don' look right."

"Run away," Mystique advises. "Run away and never return."

Remy takes one glance at Storge and runs for it.

Tabby, Evan, and Bobby come out of the dust clouds. "Kill him," Mystique says, and they run after him.

Remy runs down a path that stops at a dead end created by a steep pile of rocks. He turns and sees Tabby, Evan, and Bobby walking toward him, then starts climbing.

Remy runs out to a ledge and stops dead, seeing a steep drop broken by a huge tangle of thorns. Evan, Tabby, and Bobby start gaining on him, so Remy decides _Pourquoi pas_ and jumps.

He tumbles down the cliff wall, slides off an outcropping, and crashes through the thorn branches, getting to his feet almost immediately and climbing his way out.

Evan, Tabby, and Bobby slide down the rock after him…well, until Evan sees the thorns beneath them. "SHIT!" He slides to a stop on the outcropping with a sigh of relief. Then Tabby bumps him closer to the edge as he slides into him.

Then Bobby slides into them both, sending Evan flying into the thorns. "SON OF A – MOTHER – GAAAAAAAH!" He pops briefly out of the thorns, clutching his butt, while Tabby and Bobby collapse with laughter.

Evan clambers up out of the thorns and onto the outcropping. Tabby laughs at him before noticing Remy running off into the sunset. "Hey! There he goes!"

Evan yanks three thorns out of his paw. "So go get him!"

"There's no way I'm going in there!" Tabby says. "What, you want me to come out looking like you, Cactus Butt?"

Evan yanks three thorns out of his butt, notices Bobby still laughing at him, and spits them out onto Bobby's nose.

Bobby promptly yanks them out. "Eeeeeeeeeew!" he says. "Those were in your ASS!"

Tabby scoots further away from Evan. "Well, he's as good as dead out there, anyway," she says, nodding at Remy. "And if he comes back, we'll kill him."

"Yeah! You hear that?" Evan yells after Remy. Wow, he must've pulled the rest of those thorns outta him at LIGHT SPEED or something. "You ever come back, we'll kill ya!"

They all laughed and turned to head back. "Um," Evan says. "How do we get back up?"

AT PRIDE ROCK…

Mystique is telling them the bad news. "Logan's death is a terrible tragedy, but to lose Remy, who had barely begun to live-"

"'m 21, t'ank y' very much!" Remy says indignantly.

"Compared to Logan, you're just out of your mom's womb," Kurt says. "MY MOMMY DIDN'T LOVE ME!"

"Not this again," Rogue mutters.

"Aren't you supposed to be sobbing over Remy's death?" Jubes asks.

"Eh, Ah'll be okay," Rogue says with a shrug.

"Chere, y' wound m'," Remy says tragically, placing a hand over his heart.

"Remy, you're supposed to be passed out in some desert," Kurt says.

"But-"

"Go!" Kurt orders, pointing.

Remy glares and stalks off, muttering something in French under his breath.

"So it is with a heavy heart I assume the throne," Mystique continues. "Yet out of the ashes of this tragedy," Creepy hyena shadows appear on Pride Rock behind her, "We shall rise to greet the dawning of a new era in which lion and hyena come together in a great and glorious future!"

Further off, Forge shakes his head. There's a QSC, and he's sitting in his tree thingie, in front of his little picture of Remy. Wiping away a tear, he reached out and drew a hand across the picture, smudging it.

"…Riiiiiight," Kurt said. "That's a wrap for today, people!"

"What about _moi_?" Remy demands from his little spot in the desert.

"You're stuck there until Skysong writes you out of it," Kurt says cheerfully. "Have fun!"

(1) – The song Naughty Girl by Beyoncé. Before Destiny's Child got back together.

(2) – Mr. I-Can-Wear-A-White-Shirt-Three-Sizes-Too-Small from **Americal Idol**.

Um…yeah. Tried not to make it too dreary. Review, please!


	5. Hakuna MaWhat Now?

**Hakuna Ma-What Now?**

(PL: This is seriously overdue, sowwies! Okay, so I've decided to try and post this with the lyrics. Don't report it, okay? It's part of the movie we're parodying, it should be allowed. If it gets taken down...then I'll repost it sans lyrics after the seven days are up.)

Disclaimer: "A new religion that'll bring you to your knees... like Velveeta Cheese."

_Hakuna Ma-what now?_

(An: Now that I can write it, I can say it: WHEEE! JP! No, I haven't stuck it up on EE… I'll do that to waste time later. By the way, I'll be able to update promptly now; my VCR has been fixed. Ain't life grand?)

Jean-Paul facepalms. "Oh, Dieu," he mutters. "Not more comments about my 'Spock eyebrows'…"

Author: FYI, JP LOSES the Spock eyebrows after he got into the X-men and off of Alpha Flight- i.e. got some good artists working on him for once. –happy squeal-

"Oh, no, not you!" (1) JP attempts to run away, but Jubilee steps on his foot. "Ow! …hey, aren't you dating Bobby, thus making you hate me?"

"I think it's funny to see Bobby scream like a girl," Jubes replies, inspecting her nails. "But if you make this a habit, I'll have to kill you."

"Um, bonjour!" Remy yells. "I'm still languishing in de desert, here!"

"And I'm being hit on by a crazy French dude! There's no comparison!" Bobby yells, still trying to escape.

"…y' win."

"Hey, we still have to change John back into a meerkat!" Kurt yells.

"Right, right," Forge mutters.

FIVE MINUTES LATER…

"Oh, God, what am I now?" John demands, looking at himself.

"We've been through this, John," Piotr says, annoyed. "You're a meerkat."

"But I don't look like a cat…"

Piotr attempts to facepalm. He instead ends up smacking himself in the face with his hoof and gets a big bruise. "…ow…"

"I'm so confused," John mutters.

"Aren't we all?" Piotr agrees.

"Oh, boy, existentialism from a warthog," Kurt mutters, rubbing his forehead. "Why don't we just get started… please?"

So, y'know we see Remy languishing in the desert, half-dead, etc. etc. who really cares, blah blah blah... Buzzards circle in the air. "It's so **nice** t' know that I'm loved," Remy drawls, opening one eye.

"How many times do I have to say it!" Kurt yells. "Shut up and be dead!"

"...But I ain't dead!"

"Unconcious, then! God, you're so picky."

Remy rolls his eyes and goes back to being unconcious and stuff. The buzzards land and are about to have Remy a la carte, when Piotr and John ride in, yelling and kicking at the buzzards and stuff."YEEHA!"

"Get out! Get out! Get outta here!" John yells, as the buzzards fly off.

"I love this- bowling for buzzards!" Piotr agrees.

"Hee hee hee, gets 'em every time!" John chuckles, dusting himself off. "I'm still not sure what myself exactly is, here."

"Oh, quit whining," Forge mutters in the background. "You're not a monkey shaman with a blue butt."

"True, there's that," John agrees. He pauses, and then bursts out laughing. "Ah! Haha! Your butt is blue!"

"Haven't we already been through this?" Forge sighs.

"We-ell, John-boy always **has** been a bit slow to catch on," Remy points out.

"Hey! I have an IQ of 128, here, Mr. 'Dat's none o' y'r business!'"

"...Dat was de **worst** Cajun accent I ever heard. M' comrades in N'awlins weep."

"Hey, I'm Australian here. Our accent is sooo much sexier than yours."

Remy snorts.

Piotr clears his throat.

"Yeah, yeah, get on with it, mate," John responds, flapping a hand at him.

Piotr nudges Remy (who has gone back to being unconcious, his paw sheilding his eyes). "Uh-oh… hey, John, you'd better come look. I think it's still alive."

John looks distinctly squicked, but goes to investigate anyway. "All righty… what do we got here?" He lifts up Remy's paw. "Dude, what did you drink?"

"M' burboun. No **way** was I gonna let Logan take it again."

"Oh. Right. Shoulda guessed." He clears his throat, and jumps away in terror. "Geez! It's a lion!" He scrambles up on top of Piotr and grabs his ears like they're reins.

"That's not very comfortable, you know," Piotr grumbles.

John ignores him. "Run, Piotr, move!"

"Oh, John, it's just a little lion… look at him. He's so cute and all alone! Can we keep him?"

"Piotr, are you nuts?" John cries, grabbing Piotr's ear and shouting into it like a microphone.

"GAH!" Piotr cries, eye twitching. "Too... loud!"

"Sorry." John clears his throat again. "He's a lion! Lions eat guys like us!" He cowers behind the tip of Piotr's snout.

"But he's so little…" Piotr dips his head and John falls off, continuing to admonish Piotr from the ground.

"He's gonna get bigger!"

"But maybe he'll be on our side."

"That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. Maybe he'll be- hey, I got it! Maybe he'll be on our side!" John pauses, and deadpans to the camera. "Remember, **I'm** the smart Acolyte." He jumps back on Piotr, who scoops up Remy... with his nose. Yeah. "Having a lion around might not be such a bad idea!"

"So we're keepin' him?"

"Of course. Who's the brains in this outfit?"

"Uh…"

"My point exactly. Jeez, I'm fried. Let's get outta here and find some shade."

There's a QSC (quick scene change, and don't expect me to translate that again) to a little oasis in the middle of the barren, dry, cracked- "SHUT UP!" Remy yells. "I'm thirsty enough!"

Ok, ok, how about the arid desert? "Better." I'm so glad. (/sarcasm)

So, anyway, John is splashing water onto Remy's face. Remy stirs, blinks, and glares at John. "You okay, kid?"

"I guess so."

"You nearly died!" Piotr adds. Helpfully, I'm sure.

"I saved you," John says. Piotr snorts indignantly. John rolls his eyes and adds, "Piotr helped. A little."

"Thanks for your help." Remy starts off, doing the "I'm a Cajun cub and I'm SAD!" thing again.

"Hey, where you goin'?" John asks.

"Nowhere."

"We already **are** nowhere," Kurt replies.

"At least you're not on this patch of nonexistence," Rahne mutters, and then disappears.

"What was **that** about?" John asks, blinking.

"That was her Comment Cameo," Piotr responds, giving John a WTF look. "You should know; you do them enough." (2)

"Gee, he looks blue," John comments to Piotr.

"I'd say brownish-gold," Piotr replies, always willing to show off his only talent.

"No no no, I mean he's depressed."

"Oh."

"Toldja I was the smart one," John whispers to the camera. Piotr and John catch up to Remy, who stops and stares at the ground... sadly.

"Hey, kid, what's eatin' ya?" Piotr asks.

"Nothing, he's at the top of the food chain! Ahahaha! The food chain! Ahahahaaah..." He elbows Remy in the side, and then sees that nobody's getting it and shuts up. He clears his throat. Again. "So... where you from?"

"Who cares? I can't go back." Remy pauses, and sits down, looking sniffly. "I can't." He bursts into tears. "Gone! It's all gone!" (3)

In the background, Rogue bursts out laughing. "Doesn't it bother you that the suffering of others brings you such joy?" Kitty asks her, looking concerned.

Rogue pauses, and stares at Kitty. "This is **Remy** we're talking about here."

"Oh. Right. Carry on."

Kurt facepalms. "Somebody get the brick!"

Remy eeps and stops crying. "No!" he yells, running behind Piotr. "Not de brick! I'm scared of de brick!"

Piotr rolls his eyes.

"So can we continue?" John asks, tapping his feet.

Remy clears his throat. "I'm okay now."

"Ah, you're an outcast!" John cries. "That's great, so're we."

"What'd you do, kid?" Piotr chimes in.

"Something terrible. But I don't wanna talk about it." And again, Angsty!Lion!Baby!Remy strikes. Jeez, that's a lotta exclamation points.

"Good! We don't wanna hear about it!" John replies. "Really.

"C'mon, John," Piotr says, being the "caring" one again, "isn't there anything we can do?"

"Not unless you can change the past..." Remy mumbles.

"You know, in times like this, my comrade John here says 'You gotta put your behind in your past...' wait..."

"No, no, no, amateur," John says, gesturing condescendingly at Piotr. "Lie down before you hurt yourself." He turns to Remy. "It's 'You gotta put your past behind you.' Look, kid, bad things happen, and you can't do anything about it, right?"

"Would y' stop callin' me kid? I'm four years older than y'!" (4)

"We don't have time for trivialities!"

Remy rolls his eyes. "Right!"

"Wrong!" John cries, poking Remy in the nose. He attempts a Cajun accent again. Or something. "When the world turns its back on you, you turn your back on the world."

"Well, that's not what I was taught. Yeah, y' supposed t' pick de world's pockets if it has its back turned."

John stares at him a moment, then replies, "Then maybe you need a new lesson. Repeat after me: Hakuna Matata."

"What?"

"Ha-ku-na Ma-ta-ta," Piotr says, slowly and clearly for the stupid Cajun boy's benefit. "It means 'no worries.'"

Author: All right, you know the drill: _Italics_ is John singing, **bold** is Piotr singing, and underline is Remy singing. I hope you can work out any combination of the three yourself.

"_Hakuna Matata_

_What a wonderful phrase_

**Hakuna Matata**

**Ain't no passin' craze**"

The music proper starts up, and John and Piotr start to jam. Remy just stares at them WTF-ly.

Somehow, they go to a green, leafy tree stump as opposed to the barren, dry, cracked-

"SHUT UP!"

Author: Everybody's a critic.

As opposed to the desert. John shoves Remy down onto the stump so he's reclining and Piotr fans him with a branch. "Ow!"

"Sorry," Piotr responds. "It's really hard to aim with your mouth."

"_It means no worries_

_For the rest of your days_

_**It's our problem-free**_

**_Philosophy_**"

John pulls a nail file out of absolutely nowhere and files down Remy's nails from vicious points to... y'know, almost nonexistence.

_"Hakuna Matata"_

"Hakuna Matata?" Remy asks, with a WTF eyebrow.

"Yeah! It's our motto!" Piotr says, then blinks. "Wait, I thought our motto was 'If it's not moving, steal it. If it is moving, run!'"

John quickly slaps his hand over Piotr's mouth. "Eheheh, he's just kidding..." He kicks Piotr. "**Right**, Piotr?"

"Oh, _da_, yes."

"...What's a motto?" Remy asks, still with the eyebrow.

"Nothin'! Whatsamatta with you?" John says (he's given up on the Cajun and is now trying for a Jersey accent).

"Y' still suck," Remy informs him, deadpanning.

John is Not Amused.

"You know, kid, these two words will solve all your problems," Piotr says, nodding.

"That's right. Take Piotr for instance."

"_When he was a young warthog_

**When I was a young WARTHOG!" **He sings this last bit loudly and operatic... ly, with a "Bwahahah! Revenge!" look. Well, for him, anyway.

"Very nice," John agrees, wincing as he cleans out his ear. Gross, yo.

"Thank you, comrade."

_"He found his thick accent lacked a certain appeal,_" John sing-narrates, as we see Piotr walk up to the watering hole. Everyone else looks up, and runs away. Piotr sniffles.

_"He could clear the savannah in just one meal_

**I'm a sensitive soul, though I have metal skin**" Piotr glances at his script, and then frowns. "I'm supposed to go metal here."

"Don't care!" Forge yells in the background.

John shrugs at Piotr and goes on singing. _"And it hurt that his mates never listened to him!_ ...But that's just business as usual. We always ignore each other. Nobody can ever understand a word we say."

"And yet they still t'ink our accents are sexy," Remy comments.

"DAMN STRAIGHT!"

The music changes slightly, becoming Southern-church-gospel-testimony-y. You **know** what I'm talking about.

"**And oh, the shame!**

_He was ashamed!_

**Thought of changing my name!**

_Oh, what's in a name?_

**And I felt my face flushing**

_How did you feel?_

**Every time I accidentally spoke-**" John rushes up and covers his mouth.

_"Hey, mate, not in front of the kids._

**All I was going to say was 'Russian.'**

_Oh."_ (5)

"Hey, Piotr, I think your accent's sexy!" Kitty yells in the background.

"So do Ah!" Rogue agrees.

Kurt and Remy exchange glances. "Er... They didn't mean that," Remy says, choosing to be stupid.

"Romy and Kurtty," Kurt agrees. "Just keeep saying that."

Piotr and John stare at them for a moment, and then climb onto vine swings, singing again.

_**"Hakuna Matata**_

_**What a wonderful phrase**_

_**Hakuna Matata**_

_**Ain't no passin' craze"**_

Somehow, Remy steps into the spotlight and takes it. Yeah.

"It means no worries

For the rest of your days"

"Yeah, sing it, kid," John cries, doing a disco-esque knee slide. "OW! Friction burn!"

"_It's our problem-free"_ the two croon, and then Piotr finally untangles himself from his vine and lands on the ground.

**"Philosophy**

**_Hakuna Matata_**"

There's another QSC to John shoving aside a leaf to reveal a gorgeous view. "Welcome to our humble home."

"You live here?" Remy gasps, managing to look impressed and extremely bored. Have to give him props for that.

"We live wherever we want."

"Yep, home is where your rump rests! ...considering that I'm a pig, that's not a very good phrase."

"Beautiful," Remy says, ignoring that last.

There's a QSC to Piotr, Remy, and John strolling along somewhere in the jungle. Piotr burps... Piotr **burps**... HELLO!

"I'm sorry, I can't do it!" Piotr sobs, leaning back on his heels. "I'm too me!"

"...Y' see, dis is why we changed de song," Remy mutters. He facepaws (unlike Piotr, he can actually pull it off).

"Just skip it," Kurt mutters. "This is hopeless.

Ok, fine. So Piotr **doesn't** burp- "I said I was sorry!"

**Anyway**, he says instead, "I'm starved."

"I'm so hungry I could eat a whole zebra," Remy agrees.

John stops short, looking squicked again. "So I'm a 'meerkat' **and** a vegetarian?"

"You mean you aren't?" Kitty demands.

"Uh, no... I will eat shit on a shingle if I can flambe it."

"And probably has," Remy agrees. (6)

So, anyway, John says, "Ahah, we're fresh outta zebra."

"Any antelope?" Remy asks, looking steadily less hopeful as John continues to shoot him down.

"Nuh-uh."

"Hippo?"

"Nope. Listen, kid, if you're gonna live with us, you have to eat like us."

"Wait, y' mean I have to go back t' cold ravioli and beer? 'Cause dat's what we ate."

"...I hope not..." John says. "My system's only just got back on track." (7) So, anyway, John walks over to a moss-covered log. "This looks like a good place to rustle up some grub." Piotr pushes up the log, revealing... a bunch of vegemite sandwiches shaped like bugs?

"Well, we would've had real bugs and a Fear Factor joke, but **somebody** ate the real bugs," Kurt says, with a pointed glance at Todd, who shrugs.

Author: But why vegemite?

"Well, I had some, and it's generally considered by American blokes to be the nastiest stuff on the planet..." John shrugs. (8) He holds up a sandwich.

"Ew! What's that?"

"A grub, what's it look like?"

"Ew! Gross!"

"Mmm!" He pops it into his mouth with the relish only an Australian who's been raised on the stuff can manage. "Tastes like chicken!"

Piotr (who looks vaguely squicked) sucks up one of the sandwichs, gags, and then manages a half-assed smile. "Slimy yet satisfying!"

John walks over to a termite mound and picks up a sandwich with peanut butter... atop the vegemite. EW! "These are very rare delicacies. Mmm." Now he tries a British accent (he's better at this one; only a little bit, though). "Pecans, with a very pleasant crunch."

"You learn to love 'em!" Piotr deadpans, devouring a whole mouthful of the stuff. "Can I get some mouthwash, here?"

"After we're done," says Kurt in an "if you must" tone.

"I'm telling you kid, this is the great life," John says, putting a whole bunch of the sandwiches on a leaf platter. "No rules, no responsibilities- ooh! The little cream-filled kind!" he exclaims, picking up a Twinkie, "- and best of all, no worries! Well, kid?" he asks, offering Remy the platter.

"Oh, well, Hakuna Matata," Remy mumbles, looking really squicked. He picks up one of the sandwiches, eats it, gags, and then manages a slightly less disgusted look. "Slimy... yet satisfying! ...oui, mouthwash would be good."

John huffs. "Americans are so damn picky."

"...But I'm not American, and I still think it's gross," Piotr points out.

"Trivialities!" John yells. "That's it!"

Thanks to the wonders of special effects, the sandwiches fly up and away to wherever sandwiches fly to, allowing Piotr, Remy, and John to do a QSC to them walking across a log bridge, as Remy gets steadily older (you can tell because he goes from just hair, to that lameo bowl cut, to proper shaggy Remy hair).

There's yet another QSC, to the guys strolling across the ground, and y'know, grooving.

"**_Hakuna_**

_**Matata**_

_**Hakuna**_

_**Matata**_

_**Hakuna**_

_**Matata**_

_**Hakuna**_

It means no worries

For the rest of your days

_**It's our problem-free**_

**_Philosophy_**" Remy takes it again as they all jump off a log bridge and into a pond, one by one.

"Hakuna Matata

Hakuna Matata

Hakuna Matata

Haaaakuna Matata" When Remy falls in, of course, he creates a wave large enough so that Piotr and John (riding on Pete's back) get swept ashore. Remy steps out of the lake, soaked.

So, yeah. They walk off, jamming and stuff like that.

_"Hakuna Matata_

Hakuna Matata

Hakuna Matata

Hakuna Matata

Ta ta..."

There's a QSC to the Pride Lands, which, apparently, in the two-odd years we've left it, has really gone to seed. You know, no grass, barren landscape, no water, etc. etc.? We hear Scott singing. Everyone winces.

Author: Ordinarily this is one of my favorite parts in the movie but just- ugh!

Scott is stuck in a ribcage (rimshot), bemoaning his troubles whilst Mystique reclines on a stone slab, picking her teeth with a splintery bone. Ok, EW.

"**Noooobody knows **

**The trouble I've seen**

**Noooobody knows **

**My sorrow**"

"Oh, Scott, do lighten up," Mystique says, pitching the bone at him. "Seriously. Sing something with a little, mmm, bounce in it!" Seeing Mystique do a "bounce" expression is something that will haunt the minds of all XME characters forever after. "Ha ha, very funny, it is to laugh."

"You do a **terrible** Daffy Duck," Kurt informs her in the background. (9)

"**It's a small world after all**!" Scott sings, looking disgusted. (10)

"No, no! Anything but that!" Mystique cries, terrified.

"**I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts**

**Deedly dee dee**

**There they are a-standing in a row**

**Do do do**"

Apparently, Mystique (who is playing a guy) enjoys a badly disguised boob innuendo song over a slightly annoying and circular Disney classic, because she pulls out a skull (!) and begins to sing along with it.

**"Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head...**" Scott trails off as Mystique goes on.

"Oh, I never would have had to do this for Logan!" Scott moans. "Actually, I might've... he gets really weird with punishment stuff.

Of course, this pisses Mystique off. "He never returns my calls!" Mystique sniffles.

"Get it through your head, woman," Logan yells at her. "I hate you."

"Shut up and be dead!" Of course, it's not Kurt who yells it this time, it's Remy, who's doing a lion-y smirk.

So, anyway, Mystique growls and bounds over to Scott's cage (punpunpun) and snaps, "What? What did you say?"

"Erm, nothing, nothing!"

"You know the law! Never, ever mention that name in my presence! I am the king! ...Queen!"

"Oh, God, let's not get into that again," Remy begs in the background.

"Yes, sire, you are the king! I-I, well, I only mentioned it to illustrate the differences in your royal managerial approaches!"

Author: Honestly, who else but Scott could you see saying that?

Mystique is interrupted from her Scott-torture session by the arrival of the three hyenas.

"Hey, boss!" Evan yells.

"Oh, what is it this time?" Mystique groans.

"We got a bone to pick with you! ...that is **the** worst pun I've ever heard."

"If he can pick it out, it must be," Mystique whispers to the camera.

"I heard that!"

"I know."

"I'll handle this," Tabby says condescendingly. "Mystique, there's no food, no water."

"Yeah! It's dinner time, and we ain't got no stinkin' entrees!"

"Badgers?" Kurt cries in the background, prounouncing it "Batchees". "We don't need no stinkin' badgers!" He seems delighted with this. (11)

"It's the lioness's job to do the hunting!"

"Therefore making it **your** job," Evan points out. Mystique glares at him. "... I mean, yeah, but they won't go hunt!"

"Oh... eat Scott!"

All of the three hyenas look too disgusted to speak.

"Oh, you wouldn't want me! I'd be so tough and gamey and- ew!"

"Exactly," Mystique agrees dryly.

"Hey! You're supposed to **dis**agree with me!"

"But it **is** true," Mystique replies. Then she sighs and says her line. "Oh, Scott, don't be ridiculous. All you need is a little garnish."

"And I thought things were bad under Logan," Evan whispers to Tabby.

"I beg to differ," Mystique purrs. "Things were **great** under Logan."

"Like you would know!" Ororo scoffed.

"It's not like you would, either," Forge says. "...Right?"

Ororo just smirks slightly and says nothing.

"What did you say?" Mystique snarls.

"I said Log- I said, uh, que pasa? ...ok, that did NOT rhyme," Evan mutters.

Author: I shall never be condemned for being original.

"Get out," Mystique says.

The hyenas hurry to do what she says, and then Evan pauses. "Uh, but we're still hungry."

"Get out!" Mystique yells, and the hyenas scatter, whimpering. Except for Bobby, who's doing his signature stupid laugh.

"I think I'm gonna go commit ritualistic Japanese-style suicide," Forge moans, wandering off.

The cardboard Ororo falls over and Mystique snickers. "What'd I miss?" Ororo asks, coming out from behind the set. "...Forge?"

"Y' tell her, absolute power boy," Remy whispers to Kurt.

"**You're** her friend, not me!"

"And you're the director."

"Dammit!"

"Seriously, where's Forge?"

(...Yeah. There we go. Whatever.)

(1) I love JP. Love to torture Bobby with him, that is.

(2) I love doing these. They happen a lot. I've just never given them a proper name before.

(3) Can we have a moment of silence for the coolest city in Louisiana?

(4) According to me, John is seventeen and Remy is twenty-one. Piotr is the only Acolyte with a canon age- he's eighteen.

(5) Peachy Lime wrote this, not me. I'm not that nuts. Close, but not quite.

(6) Butchered quote from _IT_.

(7) I dunno, I always pictured the Acolytes as not well treated- y'know, living in a shack somewhere, eating cold pasta and cursing Magneto or pranking the monkey or something.

(8) Vegemite, for the perpetually clueless, is this truly NASTY stuff that the Australians like to A) spread on toast and B) feed to unsuspecting tourists for a laugh.

(9) I only pointed this out because there are indeed people who don't seem to understand where "Ha ha, it is to laugh" or "Shoulda taken that left turn at Albequerque" come from. It's a sad, sad world we live in.

(10) I like this song. We played it in handbells, so we'd always go back into school singing it. Maybe they put something into the water of private schools... (PL: At HER private school. At MY private school, there was an entire week of nonstop singing We're All In This Together from High School Musical.)

(11) Um, DUH! Spiderman quote.


End file.
